So much would have been easier if I’d known about the Asperger’s Syndrome a long time ago, but all the same, it’s really good to have gathered so many insights into that particular explanation. It’s also easy to laugh at some of what went wrong these days.
Not that I can yet laugh at the bullying techniques of those who steam-rolled me into the ridiculous case I began to describe recently, nor can I laugh at the total contempt and insensitivity of some doctors, or the fact that I attracted bullies anyway. That sort of thing has been difficult to comprehend.
One thing I’m grateful for is that I’ve always had a few good friends, people who can put up with my obsessions and most of all, people who can laugh in non-malicious ways.
It was in the course of all these years of studying dreams that I began to like myself as a person. In the dream life eventually, I saw the part of me who willingly made good cups of tea for my friends, who cooked, who looked into various psychological mirrors without too many qualms.
That’s why, no matter how difficult things have become, I refute the diagnosis of Depression. Even if external circumstances and misunderstandings both by myself and by others can be depressing, this doesn’t turn to self-hatred.
I know this because I did have Depression in my teens, in my twenties and the dark self-loathing isolation of it all was horrifying.
A couple of things changed that. First of course, was the discovery of Acupuncture. Already bothered by some things which I felt hadn’t been handled well medically, I’d been consulting a Naturopath. I don’t follow Naturopathy these days because it seems to me that the precepts of Naturopathy are a bit vaguer and somewhat more untested than Acupuncture with its thousands of years of research.
Naturopathy did enable me to improve my diet however. The crushing tensions of my teen years and the frantic level of stress at home had meant that food wasn’t a thing to be enjoyed and like many families whose dinner table isn’t a centre of harmony, we ate a lot of processed food.
One day, shortly after Nixon Went To China, I noticed an article about Acupuncture pinned to the wall of the Naturopath’s Waiting Room. China overnight had transformed from a scary giant intent upon perfection, into a place with which we could now trade Goods and Ideas. Above all, I noticed that the techniques were helpful for ‘nervous tension’.
I asked if I could have a treatment. The Naturopath certainly didn’t know about Acupuncture in depth, but he applied two needles to the Shen Points in the ear and attached them to a vibrating machine.
I’d been in a state of exhaustion and despair. On my way to the appointment I’d noticed yet again how grey the world was, and how grimly awful the rest of humanity appeared to be.
I stepped out to a sparkling world where everyone appeared to be happy. It was astounding to find that I could laugh aloud.
Soon after that, I discovered the course in Religion and Culture Studies at Teacher’s College and I was on my way to work which resulted in Conference Papers and eventually, the beginnings of what I thought would be my career. (There but for bad Dentistry….)
The effects of the treatment lasted about a week. By the time glumness and greyness set in, I was back for another appointment. Who cared if it was $15 a pop? There was so much more to do and be when I felt fine about myself.
Eventually, the Naturopath, who perhaps had become bored now that he wasn’t giving advice about vitamins and potions rebelled.
He told me that I should ‘get a boyfriend’.
I left in high dudgeon to try other Acupuncturists and that was good, but it wasn’t until the Nineties that I discovered how powerful these treatments can be as administered by individuals who never stop learning about this ‘Web That Has No Weaver!’
I can do some points on myself and usually take the disposable Acupuncture needles with me to the Dentist. Early this week, I forgot to take the needles with me. It was a serious treatment and I came away feeling just ghastly. The weather had turned cold and I had a definite dose of the Greys during the interminable ride home.
Uncharacteristically, I began to feel mighty sorry for myself. I even remembered the times before the madnesses set in, when my former flatmate would make me a cup of tea, cook a fabulous omelet and just be as sweet as he could be. (If we wonder why we stay around when things get mad, it’s partly because they weren’t always mad.)
“Oh why can’t I attract a nice companion?’ I thought.
Well, the Universe may be as incomplete and as illogical as dreams themselves and it seemed that day as if Somewhere Out There, someone caught the thought.
It was by then late in the day, so instead of going straight home, I stopped at my Handy Local for a sweetly numbing drop of Cooper’s Ale.
All I wanted by then was to bury myself in the newspaper and maybe hang out with my comfortable and comforting friends a bit later.
I noticed the startlingly blue intense eyes watching me as I entered. I acknowledged the smile and the wave, got myself the beer and the paper and went to sit at a table somewhere distant from any feeling of intensity. The owner of the blue eyes came across and joined me. He offered me a limp and silken hand and we exchanged names. His breath was terrible.
As he prepared to sit, I said to him,
‘Please, I’ve had a truly awful day. It’s been the Dentist and Root Canal Therapy and all I want to do is have a drink and read the paper and calm down a bit.’
He tried to make conversation and I apologized for not being up to conversation and that I didn’t want to explain Root Canal Therapy but he had to believe me that it takes some getting over. He looked crestfallen so I added that if he left me alone, I’d join him at his table later.
There was gradual relaxation. Soon afterwards two of my comfortable friends arrived. Ross has Asperger’s too and like Mark, he plays a lot of silly jokes. On the other hand both have sensors which can determine if a friend requires quiet sympathy, and I went to join them taking the paper with me.
This is not rudeness according to the codes we’ve built up as friends. We like to do the puzzles together. If someone’s had a bad day, we may growl a bit until someone thinks of something funny to say and that’s it. Comfortable.
Ross drove me to my storage places when I was homeless and refused any payment apart from allowing me to buy him the odd beer. Mark came later and over time, I got to know Glen and Tom as well.
We tell each other what we have eaten and what we plan to eat and how sometimes we don’t feel like eating.
Blue Eyes jumped from his seat and took the spare seat at our table.
Since none of us go to The Local particularly to Meet People, this was startling and introductions accomplished, Ross and Mark took themselves off for a bit of Poker Machine Therapy.
I found I so much didn’t want to talk to this poor guy that it was horrid. There’d been no consent to his immediate company and I wasn’t through the grey mood yet. He lives in a neighbouring suburb, he said, he occasionally goes to Pubs there but they are very unfriendly and noone is interested in Religion either and he thought I might be.
I am. I told his about my work as a Broadcaster working in Religious Current Affairs. It turned out I’d once interviewed his Guru.
I found I couldn’t stop the hackles rising and I got shorter and shorter in my speech. I’d only read a few pages of the paper and I was yearning for the daily dose of trash. Abruptly he got up and left, no doubt concluding that here was another unfriendly Pub and strange to say, despite all appearances, that isn’t the truth.
I never was much of a drinker. It affected me too much before the brief era of The Good Dentist and later on I was just too busy. However when the Flat Mate became too difficult to deal with, I took to the Cooper’s Ale somewhat enthusiastically because I wanted to go somewhere I could laugh and where problems were simple.
The habit continues these days, partly from loneliness and also because of the many friends who will let me sit alone and write in my notebook if that’s what I need to do. We all know where we should sit and where we shouldn’t sit.
I first approached this Pub about seven years ago. I made no attempts to sit with others. There were Bushfires blazing at my old place and I wanted to watch what was happening on the Big Screen TV.
Eventually I was invited to join a table of blokes who are still friends and who I can sit with and flirt or be flirted with. They like to ask me about Poetry and Literature sometimes.
That’s how it works I think. You can go to a place and feel things out. Although I didn’t initially stare at people, I became aware of who everyone was and how they operated. I noticed which people had a nice laugh and which people had kind expressions on their faces.
As a young Aspergian, I can remember bluntly going up to people in social situations and being very insensitive myself so I wasn’t blaming Blue Eyes.
It was simply a day when my general social tolerance was very very low. Blue Eyes did find a nice Pub and nice people, but he was too hasty. I might have found a kind nice friend, I don’t know.
Sometimes I’ve looked at a person and we are friends from the word go. Maybe I’m more cautious since the dreadful experiences of a few years ago. I know that these days I like to carefully work my way around potential shadow realities. I don’t trust as much as I did.
I hope Blue Eyes finds himself a nice lady, I really hope so and maybe their eyes will meet and that will be that.
As it happened I went to the Service Station to buy some milk a bit later and bumped into gorgeous Shannon and we stopped and had a talk in the street. He’s caring for an elderly relative and he doesn’t come to the Pub and I like that.
He asked me about my book. That must be when I last saw him, when I had that expression of interest from the Publisher. I had to report that since I wrote it so long ago, it’s only on hard copy and for awhile I’d lost the manuscript and only recently had I found it again.
Friends are people it’s easy to laugh with.
It was a relief to write about the Trial and all the injustices of the past which still impact upon me. Maybe it’s because I’ve only just been able to digest some f that bizarre saga or maybe it’s because, I’ve found a reasonable Dentist. Maybe under a new Government, it’s also been easier to understand certain factors in a situation which was astoundingly illegal and illogical.
That story will continue.
And I don’t want to make it the sole topic of this blog.
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