Depressions

I'm counting my depressions here and let me be lateral about the term depression.

One minute I was the adored child of a charming father.

Next thing he's gone, disappeared with a new lady friend and my Mother's family, bearing in mind that I resembled my father too closely, see to it that all my baby back teeth are extracted. How to create life long problems in one fell swoop!!!! Yeh, that's all in my memoir & I'm trying here to simply pick out a few relevencies.

I've spoken of abusive situations in this blog, but if one's immune system is compromised that early, what is one to do?

I think that one problem I inherited was from being a gifted child, a child who grew into a person who didn't altogether lose faith in the self. And yes, I had possibly too much feeling for certain troubled types. And yes, i copped bullies by the drove and learned to hate and loathe bullies. Not so long ago I think I finally began to stand up to some of them, but the worst of them of course compromised my livelihood and I guess I have to follow this thread to simply get beyond unwanted and unexpected poverty.

I do my coping as best I can even yet even with the Asperger's I believe I inherited from my Dad.

Haven't quite got over that horrid dental crisis, even yet!

Age four I was back then. The hugeness of those nightmares I can't forget even if more recently, my ex emphasised to me again and again, 'You Must forget. You shouldn't remember harm, how else can you get on with your life?'

Well he forgot pretty easily because I think that like my Dad he had a lot of abuse in his life and I think that there is a kind of abuse worse even than I experienced which causes a difficulty in distinguishing truth from alibi.

'As if, babe!' I remember because I don't want to repeat certain hateful patterns. I take care to remember.

It may have taken awhile to get some perspective on primitive alienations such as come from bad dentistry and an accumulation of relating to some who are intrinsically seriously damaged, but I haven't forgotten that I started out with love. I was born of parents who at that time loved each other passionately and I was a welcome child because no babies had been born on my father's side of the family for fifteen years or more. All this is a lot more than some people start out with!

I've been reading a lot recently, Psychology, novels, stories and bio's about musicians, great books, I'll list them soon. I'll have to do a summary of all these Christmas and post Christmas books some time.

A recent favourite is Neil Simon's Re-Writes. This is Neil the playwright and he is a person who hit some trouble simply because of his success. I find Re-Writes to be an appropriate title as I go through my attempted books, my essays and my journals from a space where I'm now very, very stuck.

I do the odd scribble in the notebooks, I read eagerly, but I haven't posted for awhile.

Neil Simon has began as a gag writer, wrote Phil Silver's sitcom which I remember as being very funny. Neil Simon had an amazing run of Broadway smash hit comedies and still he got depressed at times. I liked his book a lot, even if I'd never presume to have those kinds of success. I love his insights into the dilemma of the obsessive writer.

Writer's Block. Any writer may come across that factor. He suggested that Writer's Block is at it's worst not because a wordsmith has run out of ideas but because they have too many ideas. There's a flood, a raging flood and the everyday words can't be caught.  Yep, that is so.

O. I'm not miserable. Much of the time I'm happy, but there's a lot of insecurity from having hung around   people who treated me like I'm worthless because the odd thing is that ever since I found a cure for depression, I never felt worthless at all. On the other hand, how can I turn the crap around into functionality which gets beyond the disempowering cliche's of folks I once held in high regard?

Somehow, there's been a pattern where I've had that thing projected upon me.

These depressions had huge financial impacts.

Yeh, I needed to learn to trust less, but there are some people I admire very much and it was a programme by Stephen Fry about Bi-Polar Disorder which got me forcing a few words out tonight.

Ah, therapy has it's boring side, but it's best to stay on the side of healing I reckon.

Even if my chosen form of healing is a left field heresy which attracts various persecutions.

(I definately have more to say about all this!)

I'm a bit limited lately because it's been horridly hot. I had horrid dreams last week of a towering flaming Kali and more recently there have been bushfires endangering some folks I still care about.

I keep returning to my dreams.

I'm exhausted and my dentals are getting dangerous.

I decided to get back to my blog and do some writing tonight because i saw Stephen Fry's programme.

I know serious depression  because I experienced it in my teens and early twenties before I discovered strong Acupuncture.

I really don't know if the treatment works for everyone or not but I'm pretty annoyed that our money wasting past government spent about $30,000 to drag me through a case to 'make an example of myself with regard to alternative medicine.'

If you didn't know before, I would regard this recent techno crap as 'Alternative' in view of many millenia of study of the Chinese Philosophies and if there are some horrid people who are cruel with regard to animal organs, they are definately not mainstream as are some of thse who are hideously cruel with human organs and human situations.

I first  tried Acupuncture in the seventies and later I had a lot more trouble with abusive doctors and wrong medications than those delicately balanced Acupuncture treatments which had me dancing and singing and carrying on after a sweet anciently researched point got me charged up and happy. 


(What right have you to be happy?, I think those arseholes said. You are disabled, you should feel inferior!)

I guess I could have done it quietly if it hadn't been for the horror dentals and the depressive inflictions of society but hey, I'm not completely the retiring type!

O yes, one can find a cure for certain depressions, but then there are dick heads who insist on projecting their other depressions upon one!

I have more to say about all this.