spring

It's been so much warmer this time of year than I remember.

Not much news. My camera is broken.

I became very ill from another dental infection.

My dentist was away. My writing diminished.

I had an extraction last week.

I still feel awful. Less pain. Longer days.

Still studying Acupuncture and Herbs. I miss the Writer's Group a lot.

I miss being mobile.

I'm grateful for the Asperger's network.

I tried to see my sympathetic doctor about it recently.

It was one day when he's been called away from work.

It's a bit difficult being doctor phobic.

Depressions

I'm counting my depressions here and let me be lateral about the term depression.

One minute I was the adored child of a charming father.

Next thing he's gone, disappeared with a new lady friend and my Mother's family, bearing in mind that I resembled my father too closely, see to it that all my baby back teeth are extracted. How to create life long problems in one fell swoop!!!! Yeh, that's all in my memoir & I'm trying here to simply pick out a few relevencies.

I've spoken of abusive situations in this blog, but if one's immune system is compromised that early, what is one to do?

I think that one problem I inherited was from being a gifted child, a child who grew into a person who didn't altogether lose faith in the self. And yes, I had possibly too much feeling for certain troubled types. And yes, i copped bullies by the drove and learned to hate and loathe bullies. Not so long ago I think I finally began to stand up to some of them, but the worst of them of course compromised my livelihood and I guess I have to follow this thread to simply get beyond unwanted and unexpected poverty.

I do my coping as best I can even yet even with the Asperger's I believe I inherited from my Dad.

Haven't quite got over that horrid dental crisis, even yet!

Age four I was back then. The hugeness of those nightmares I can't forget even if more recently, my ex emphasised to me again and again, 'You Must forget. You shouldn't remember harm, how else can you get on with your life?'

Well he forgot pretty easily because I think that like my Dad he had a lot of abuse in his life and I think that there is a kind of abuse worse even than I experienced which causes a difficulty in distinguishing truth from alibi.

'As if, babe!' I remember because I don't want to repeat certain hateful patterns. I take care to remember.

It may have taken awhile to get some perspective on primitive alienations such as come from bad dentistry and an accumulation of relating to some who are intrinsically seriously damaged, but I haven't forgotten that I started out with love. I was born of parents who at that time loved each other passionately and I was a welcome child because no babies had been born on my father's side of the family for fifteen years or more. All this is a lot more than some people start out with!

I've been reading a lot recently, Psychology, novels, stories and bio's about musicians, great books, I'll list them soon. I'll have to do a summary of all these Christmas and post Christmas books some time.

A recent favourite is Neil Simon's Re-Writes. This is Neil the playwright and he is a person who hit some trouble simply because of his success. I find Re-Writes to be an appropriate title as I go through my attempted books, my essays and my journals from a space where I'm now very, very stuck.

I do the odd scribble in the notebooks, I read eagerly, but I haven't posted for awhile.

Neil Simon has began as a gag writer, wrote Phil Silver's sitcom which I remember as being very funny. Neil Simon had an amazing run of Broadway smash hit comedies and still he got depressed at times. I liked his book a lot, even if I'd never presume to have those kinds of success. I love his insights into the dilemma of the obsessive writer.

Writer's Block. Any writer may come across that factor. He suggested that Writer's Block is at it's worst not because a wordsmith has run out of ideas but because they have too many ideas. There's a flood, a raging flood and the everyday words can't be caught.  Yep, that is so.

O. I'm not miserable. Much of the time I'm happy, but there's a lot of insecurity from having hung around   people who treated me like I'm worthless because the odd thing is that ever since I found a cure for depression, I never felt worthless at all. On the other hand, how can I turn the crap around into functionality which gets beyond the disempowering cliche's of folks I once held in high regard?

Somehow, there's been a pattern where I've had that thing projected upon me.

These depressions had huge financial impacts.

Yeh, I needed to learn to trust less, but there are some people I admire very much and it was a programme by Stephen Fry about Bi-Polar Disorder which got me forcing a few words out tonight.

Ah, therapy has it's boring side, but it's best to stay on the side of healing I reckon.

Even if my chosen form of healing is a left field heresy which attracts various persecutions.

(I definately have more to say about all this!)

I'm a bit limited lately because it's been horridly hot. I had horrid dreams last week of a towering flaming Kali and more recently there have been bushfires endangering some folks I still care about.

I keep returning to my dreams.

I'm exhausted and my dentals are getting dangerous.

I decided to get back to my blog and do some writing tonight because i saw Stephen Fry's programme.

I know serious depression  because I experienced it in my teens and early twenties before I discovered strong Acupuncture.

I really don't know if the treatment works for everyone or not but I'm pretty annoyed that our money wasting past government spent about $30,000 to drag me through a case to 'make an example of myself with regard to alternative medicine.'

If you didn't know before, I would regard this recent techno crap as 'Alternative' in view of many millenia of study of the Chinese Philosophies and if there are some horrid people who are cruel with regard to animal organs, they are definately not mainstream as are some of thse who are hideously cruel with human organs and human situations.

I first  tried Acupuncture in the seventies and later I had a lot more trouble with abusive doctors and wrong medications than those delicately balanced Acupuncture treatments which had me dancing and singing and carrying on after a sweet anciently researched point got me charged up and happy. 


(What right have you to be happy?, I think those arseholes said. You are disabled, you should feel inferior!)

I guess I could have done it quietly if it hadn't been for the horror dentals and the depressive inflictions of society but hey, I'm not completely the retiring type!

O yes, one can find a cure for certain depressions, but then there are dick heads who insist on projecting their other depressions upon one!

I have more to say about all this.

Saving Graces

Huge house, smaller life, but hey, I'm still recovering from quite a few Times of Trauma.

I have so much to sort after times of cognitive dissonances when my own true story was stolen. I thought I did pretty well to put together a memoir dealing with What Really Happened (from an Autistic point of view, somewhat) and now the old computer isn't working.

I never was a very patient person. At least if I'm learning patience now, I have more space with which to work some new solutions.

The Sixties was a time of many changes. Me, by the time I'd got to University I'd missed out on my classical schooling because my family situation had already seriously broken down.

In the old home life, there were saving graces indeed. There was an abundance of books and magazines in our home for example. (Mind you such a phenomenon may offer a slightly skewed perspective in a family who doesn't communicate.)

My own book world was built out of ideals. With a Father who'd gambled away my Private School Fees and a Mother stressed beyond measure, I took to Religion and Bible Studies. Crazy, crazy stuff really.

We still say we're a Christian country in Australia. What does that mean?

Well, for myself, while trying to maintain Spiritual ideals and ideologies, I worked at as many jobs as I could, and my Muma, a well paid teacher also took on jobs and then eventually I was the one to do the cooking and housework and so on, and none of it got us ANYWHERE!!!!

I considered the Lilies Of The Field and envied them. I would willingly have been Mary as a relief from being Martha, but hey.

'The Rich Man and The Kingdom Of Heaven', did that have something to do with the money disappearing faster than it was earned? O Dear.

Now it seems to me, we live in a time when Money is Everything and Nothing Again!

With Asperger's Syndrome, with my own peculiarities of interpretation, I truly believed it to be better to be honourable in one's doings and to serve creativity and understanding than to principally pour oneself after wealth. I believed that if the creativity was attuned, then wealth would be automatic.

Admittedly it was a mistake to marry a Liar in the midst of the Breakdown in my early twenties and it was also a mistake in terms of the dissonances which had caught up with me and manifested themselves by the time the Seventies arrived.

That particular breakdown which caused me to drop out of University was at least diagnosed.

Trouble was that Old Time Asperger's Trap:

'DO YOU HEAR VOICES?'

That's what the shrink said, and I said , 'Well, yes, (I hear your question, for example.)'

Oh yes, there had been a little bit of Acid, not much, (I was underweight & fashion only allowed a small amount of some things). Not much is probably still too much in the light of some downtime dreamtimes.

Marianne Faithfull describes the amazing insights into archetypes which can be gained by such experiences, but the problem with Archetypes is that if they've already been disrupted in one's world, the visions of the same can easily fool one.

If all that wasn't enough, there was also the Sexual, soon to become the Sexist Revolution, not to mention the Vietnam War which I'd originally believed in until I read the History of that business!

For a child who decided to be conservative in order to cope, all that stuff was indeed a breeding ground for serious Cognitive Dissonance (as if the original family crap hadn't been bad enough!)

So it's interesting to read Memoirs of Those Times. Marianne Faithfull, Wow!

Today, I'm pretty much through the latest fluey illness, still overdoing it sometimes. I'm preparing for the Dentist tomorrow etc, and today I've been pretty much absorbed in Lou Reed's Biography.

I heed the fact that Victor Bokris' bio of Andy Warhol was in some ways negated by Andy's Diaries, but the Lou Reed Book is interesting indeed.

I couldn't have guessed that Lou had had serious Electric Shock Therapy as a youngster.

(One friend of mine, John M had that treatment lately. He said he stopped when he realised that he'd become addicted to the preparatory drugs.)

My Dad had ECT too, way back in the mid sixties, soon after Lou Reed went through it, and it was strong and heavy back then.

I think my Dad had Asperger's. Did they ask HIM about Voices perchance?

Well, when they put my Dad in The Bin, he later said to me that he dreamed they cut his brain into four pieces and put them all back the wrong way round. I understand that possibly questions, drugs and treatments are a lot more gentle these days. I understand that if, for example, a person is gay, they wouldn't be likely to have to endure a lobotomy as Alan Ginsberg did way back when in the forties!

All the same, I got very scared of psychiatry after what happened to my Dad and after my own enormous and stupefying dose of Largactyl.

Believing that some things may be saner in these times, a couple of years ago, I decided to see a Shrink because I'd been through Domestic Violence and a particularly nasty violating legal disaster which mucked up all my prospects at the time... (I agree I may have colluded with some problems, but if you are losing your temper on account of Bad Dentistry, that's something else, even, possibly, mitigating circumstances!)

Anyway, I went to The Shrink and I said, "I have Asperger's Syndrome."

She said, "There's No Such Thing"

Please remind me, which Century are we in?

So

There has been this Flu and there has been an urge to keep working.

I got dreams. I got puzzles, I got situations, I got books.

(And Boy, did I find two great books today!!)

Thanx to all dear friends who emailed me & did a quick check.

I know lots of you never knew about my studious side of things.

You are most welcome to comment or if there's a prob, email me & say so!

I was out and about today, I went to the dentist.

Dammit, I was too crook for a treatment.

I reckon I figured out what the Adelaide Uni dream meant.

Anyone out there interested in dream interpretation?

I'm about to shift some material from a simpler blog and I've got a new review Blog in mind.

Blogging is fun.

I like to click onto Next Blog once I've posted.

See you there maybe.